What Might Have Been Lost
by Pilgrimage
Summary: A collection of ficlets that follow Sav and Holly J throughout their 6 month 'agreement' chapter by chapter,  showing missing moments.
1. I

_A/N: Ficlet one - Sav discovers some dormant feelings while visiting Holly J at work. All italicized words are Sav's thoughts._

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><p><em><strong>One: kindle: arouse, awaken, bestir, incite, stimulate.<strong>_

Sav couldn't put his finger on what made Holly J stand out all of a sudden. He could admit, without reluctance, that he always enjoyed the view her way, but, then again, any boy at school with a case of insatiable hormones could admit that. He ticked off all the things he already knew about her: she had the poise of a debutante contestant (that went with her winning smile), the wit that could rival anyone twice her age, and a strong, independent air about her that was refreshing among the overwhelming amount of pubescent immaturity that most of their peers were guilty of.

Then there were her flaws, and they were deal breakers for him, really. She had questionable ethical tactics to climb Degrassi's social ladder over the years and she had an endless supply of mean-spirited verbal jabs that were often directed to those she called friends. But, she wasn't _that_way anymore…Since spending more time with his VP, Holly J 2.0, which was a nickname he coined much to her chagrin, he was surprised at her kindness, humility, and he couldn't forget that she still had a fire inside her, something he assured her that she possessed all those years ago, that made it impossible for anyone to overshadow her.

He dropped his Little Miss Steaks' chicken strip appetizer by accident when she looked his way, and she smiled warmly as she did so. He took a clumsy bite at the strip for a second attempt, almost missing his mouth as he watched her weave through several tables awaiting her service. Then, like the cold, clammy glass of Pepsi that stimulated his hand's senses when he went to blindly grab it, a thought suddenly jolted him, and it kind of scared him. Although the idea came fleetingly once and again during their meetings for student council, he always managed to wave it off and it never became a full-blown fantasy reel that would keep replaying before his mind's eye. But, it was _now_, and all he could see was red ribbon, pig tails, and a shorter version of her red-checkered skirt.

Then she gave him another wide grin from across the room. He felt a strange sensation in the pit of his stomach, something he was sure wasn't attributed to anything he had eaten. He had a feeling it had to do with the way she was smiling at him, because he could feel his stomach do an unmistakeable flip when he grinned back. He took his cold hand and rested it at the side of his face, which had grown warmer and warmer since she left the spot he continued to stare at; he only slightly cooled down.

Yup. The thought was clear now and still terrifying: he most definitely had it bad for one, Miss Holly J Sinclair. _Oh. My. Go—Just. For the love of all things Gibson and Fender, do not say anything stupid,_he internally warned himself.

The stomach flips followed him to the next school day. He waited by the stairwell that he knew led to the upstairs hallway where her French class was, and he took his time catching up with some casual acquaintances. His responses were non-committal and full of generic replies. Then, his ears suddenly perked up and became selectively in tune with what sounded like Holly J talking to Fiona. He turned to face in her direction, abruptly cutting off what would have been an interesting weekend story's ending, hoping to wave to her in a nonchalant way.

"Hey, hot stuff," he let slip without thinking. _Hot stuff? Hot. Stuff. Are you kidding—Smooth._

She looked taken aback for a moment, flushing noticeably. She offered him a weak smile, but she didn't have anything to say. She walked away with Fiona.

_It's only been 24 hours since you last lost it,_he inwardly chastised himself. _New pact: do not cross that line…the friendship one. That means, under no circumstances, are you allowed to stare longingly, write or listen to any stupid, whiny love songs, and do not even think about touch—hold—kissing—urgh—er—anything that friends wouldn't do to other friends. Yeah…you're going to be okay. It's the year of the Sav, remember? Easy peasy. Super simple. Cake. Red ribbon. No. Pig tails. NO! Hiked-up skirt…_

"Shit."

_**to be continued...**_


	2. II

_A/N: Holly J and Sav share a webchat, talks of Yale campus, and a surprise from Sav. Holly J contemplates life at Yale._

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><p><em><strong>Three: what<strong>__**'**__**s been hiding in your words, I**__**'**__**m still just guessing - the sweet hurt: where would you go?**_

Holly J had not expected Sav to be itching for a webcam chat so late into the night, but, she had been waiting for word from him all day, so she hurried to adjust her speakers and got into a comfortable position in bed. She squirmed in her seat, scrunching her face up as she squinted at the glaringly bright, laptop monitor before her.

"_The _most adorable digital imitation of your crabby expression. Ever," came Sav's voice from her speakers.

"Shut up," she snapped. "My eyes haven't adjusted yet. I've been in the dark, oh, you know, _sleeping_."

"Hold that pose," he pleaded. "I need a screenshot."

She rolled her eyes, and obliged. A _ding _from her speakers signalled that he had already shot, saved, and sent her a copy. She yelped.

"Sav!"

"Not deleting it. It's headed to the scrapbook as we speak."

"You mean the stash of evidence that you hide from your parents in a convenient photo folder on your Iphone, called 'chemistry: VSEPR theory'?" she asked innocently.

"Now, when you say it like that, it doesn't sound very romantic at all."

"I want to see it."

"I told you-"

"I know, I know. Not finished."

"Patience is a virt-"

"How's sightseeing." She knew she sounded a bit too eager, but she didn't care, and the every-growing smirk on his face made her care less to hide her irritation.

"You mean, did I happen to stop by my cousin's dormitory to, by chance, get a tour of the illustrious Yale university campus?"

"Sav…"

"It felt very…academic-y. I think I've scored a couple more IQ points since visiting."

He sniggered at her attempt at a contemptuous glare. "You keep giving me these amazing shots."

Her frown deepened, and he continued to laugh.

"Easy, Sinclair," he finally said, and cleared his throat, though it was obvious that his lips were tempting him into relapse. But, he straightened up, and continued, "everything you described about the place is exactly like you said, and more. I wish you could've come with the family. It was nice. Oh, and, I actually took some great pictures for you too."

"As long as you didn't ruin them by poking your bobble head into any of them."

Sav pulled an imaginary dagger from his chest, and sighed. "You wound me, and here I was thinking you were missing me this weekend."

She couldn't help the sudden twitch in her lips or the treacherous way her face coloured when it flushed with warmth. Her eyes flitted from Sav's oblivious expression to the internet browser page next to him, where its history showed her viewing a couple pictures of them from her online album. She thought of being snarky, but her mouth opened before her brain could catch up with it.

"Yeah," she replied lamely. "I did. I mean, I do."

He grinned widely at her, resting his chin on his palm. "You know, you're going to do amazing things there, H.J. I saw a bunch of stuff you'd totally dork out about, and then, I thought to myself, 'they're not going to know what hit them once Holly Jeanette Sinclair steps foot here.' They're going to get the wind kicked out them, just like I did. I just _know _it. "

She didn't answer as she was concentrating very hard to say something without sounding too affected. But, she was, and she still hadn't gotten used to feeling so flustered over his comments. She supposed she would have better luck if they weren't so constant and deeply sincere, though that's perfectly, exactly…Sav, really.

"Anyways," he started, breaking her train of thought.

"You must be tired."

"I am actually, and we have to wake up super early if we want to get back home on time tomorrow. Mind if I call it a night?"

She shook her head.

"I'll see you bright and early in Physics on Monday."

They waved to each other before he vanished in a collapsible motion on her screen. Then, before she could completely close her laptop, a _ding _made her jump in her sheets. A downloadable file was sent to her before Sav actually signed off. She clicked the link curiously. Then, moments later, a slideshow popped onto her screen, and images glided across it. _Sav__'__s scrapbook_, the thought dawned on her.

Her body automatically reacted again, causing her to feel tiny bumps briskly trail along her arms. They were the most intimate pictures she'd ever seen of herself, ones that she laughed out loud at and ones that made her blush, wondering if he meant for them to look so flattering. She had a feeling that he waited carefully for these moments, capturing expressions that she wasn't even aware she had. Then, after a dozen or so pictures, she came to the last one, which was of Sav himself, and it had him lying in bed. Beside the pillow he was feigning sleep on was a side profile of herself with her eyes closed. In captions underneath the picture, it read: how I'd rather sleep tonight.

In her head, she had always imagined herself alone at Yale, savouring each word uttered in its lecture halls, making bee-lines through corridors, and, mostly, being the only one from Degrassi at the prestigious school. That always felt _right _to her. But, as she was already on a roll with unrelenting thoughts and reactions, she conceded and wondered what it would be like if Sav was still by her side by the time she graduated or have him visit her dormitory on weekends to sleep together just as his picture imitated. The idea sunk in, and though she knew how improbable it was and not part of the definite plan she had set out for herself, another traitorous reaction emerged in the form of a smile. But, the moment soon passed, and she stopped herself before the dream went further, not trusting herself or where her thoughts would lead.

_**to be continued...**_


	3. III

_A/N: Sav finds out about the night Holly J slept with Declan after the Grundy awards._

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><p><em><strong>Four: every man has his own courage, and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons. - ralph waldo emerson<strong>_

The first time was not rushed, but careful. It wasn't that it lacked passion, but it wasn't wild either, which was fine because she didn't realize how nervous she'd be when it came down to it. They both had experiences before each other, but something rang true about taking it slow, and it was unspoken.

Holly J thought of losing her virginity to Declan because she couldn't help it. Maybe that's why they were both timid and clumsy in their approach. For all she knew, Sav was thinking of Anya. But, soon, after they had gone under the covers and unclothed, she was sure he was thinking the same thing she was: it would've been a shame to have missed out on _this _if they truly were _heartless zombies_.

But, that was her first time with Sav. Tonight, as she was undressing from her work uniform with her back facing him, she knew there was something different about the air around them. She turned on the heel of her bare foot, half-naked in her bra and skirt, to confirm that he was indeed staring at her. She suddenly felt a lump blocking her airway as she locked eyes with him. She didn't know if his dark eyes, that looked darker now, was an illusion from the lighting in her room.

Then, it was like he heard all the desperate thoughts in her mind, and he almost lunged for her. His lips felt hot against hers, and she spurred him on by slipping her hands under his shirt. His heart was palpably racing; she could feel her own pulsing heavily against her chest. She moved her hands from his front to his back, pulling him closer. She sighed into his mouth as he unclasped her bra.

"Sav," she said breathlessly, "bed. Now."

She gasped as he easily pulled her up and heaved her into her bed. He wasn't terribly rough, but she didn't mind the sudden way he was caring less about wrinkling her sheets or making things drop and scatter around them. After this, she thought less about musing about their surroundings, and felt more of her mind slipping into a hazy jumble of fragmented thoughts.

Sav was good. He was _very _good, she corrected herself, smiling coyly against her bed sheets. They still smelled of him, and he had left over an hour ago. So, as she lay in bed, sleepless, she let her senses run away with the smell of his faint cologne and her eager imagination. She liked the way he kissed. His lips were greedy in a ironic way, making sure they equally nipped at both the bottom and top parts of hers. His hands, and the places they traveled, were both generous as well. Then there was the way he let her guide him; he was adamant about sticking to his promise of letting each other _feel good_.

Then, again, she couldn't help herself. Her mind traced back to the night she lost her virginity and then went to the night Declan pleaded for more at Fiona's, and she felt guilty. Wasn't it bad enough that Sav was caught between these histories? Wasn't it bad enough that she still couldn't let go of something she herself had ended? Wasn't it enough that Sav, in his fervent movements and look in his eyes (maybe desperate was a better description, considering their almost permanent break-up), accepted her without malice? What did she want for herself? Then, just like that, her pleasure and happy nostalgia evaporated.

She went to sleep that night frowning deeply, but was determined to wake up with a better attitude and a not-so-obvious expression. It wasn't that she was hiding, she convinced herself, but that she was struggling with a tug-of-war of what she wanted. She didn't bother with a pros and cons list...yet. But, she wouldn't let anyone know about all of this, especially not Sav. She understood him now more than ever: being desperate doesn't mean you're allowed to do things on impulse, but the alternatives certainly look lonelier.

_**to be continued...**_


End file.
